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Nothing can prepare you for death. Even if you can see it coming from a mile away, nothing can prepare you for this deep loss and feeling of emptiness. It’s like it just bubbles up from the ground, a crack in the earth, a void where you didn’t even realize the space was before. I have so many words ready to spill out and then nothing at all. 

You begin to question everything. Did I do enough? Was I there enough? And then just simply – why? … 

I feel myself toggling between anxiousness, a fast buzzing of trying to do too many things even though there isn’t that much to do. And when I calm this down with my various Yoga tricks, I’m met with a heavy wave of sadness that just sits in my chest with nowhere to go. There isn’t anything in between. And so I continue about my day, I continue on with my work, where else can I go, what else can I do?

I just can’t believe he’s gone. How such a large personality, booming voice bordering on annoying at times, all the razzing and poking fun (was I too mean?) just gone. He was just there, I took for granted him just being there. Showing up at my door at random times, the one last friend who never called first. I sit here on my porch, waiting for him to roll up – hey, where’s Bob? I keep waiting for him to appear and say it’s all a tragic joke, he got us good didn’t he. 

I’m so sad, and I’m mad. We were all supposed to get old together sitting on this porch. Making fun of each other, dreaming up our next big house project. There’s an emptiness now, a space that will never be filled. A chair left empty on the holidays. 

He left his body on Sunday night, we were there. We sat with his neighbours who beyond the shock kept saying what a great guy he was, what a big heart he had, how kind and gracious he was. I hope he heard us. I hope he could see our tears. I hope he knew how much he was loved.

Every time I speak of him a monarch butterfly flies up over my fence, dances a circle around my porch and then flies back off again, sometimes one, sometimes two playing in the sky. A reminder of the spirit world, a hope for something beyond this world. 

He lives on in our hearts forever. 

RIP Jandalicious – Rest In Peace Michael, Rest In Peace.